Alien Ass (11-9-17)

Write a story that involves a donkey, lime juice and aliens. [Link to post.]

“This is the stupidest idea you’ve ever had, and you’ve had a lot!” I complained loudly after the donkey’s waste plopped out of it and almost onto my shoe. I was following the donkey and its rider, my commander, across the desertscape. She laughed dismissively, in the way only she can. It was not a dismissal of respect like anyone else using that tone. Her giggles translated loosely as “yeah, but you can handle it.” We’d spent two weeks alone together, hiding out behind enemy lines.

“Maybe if you had *any* ideas you’d be commander. But this donkey is all we’ve got for now.” She pointed over a ridge of sand in the distance. “Look, I see lights, that’s gotta be it.” I looked up and saw brilliant blue lights fighting the dark sky to a standstill. “Let’s go over the plan again,” she said. She turned her body around on the donkey to ride it backwards while facing me.

“No. We’ve gone over it at least 100 times over the last 20 miles. You know the plan, I know the plan, the donkey knows the plan,” I said. I kept staring at the lights in the distance, intentionally avoiding her gaze. We’d spent too much time together already, and I was developing feelings. The wrong kind of feelings to have for a commanding officer.

“So we’re just going to cover the last leg of desert in silence?” She stuck her tongue out at me and turned her body back around. The donkey started walking forward again. Damnit. I wasn’t developing feelings, I already had them.

“You could sing the song?” I asked, smiling. I hoped my voice carried the smile to her. “That always makes you feel better.” I said. I stopped myself there, and wrestled with my mind. But I was too smart for myself. While I tried to reason with my mind, my mouth spoke the words. “You have a beautiful voice.” The words just blurted out. She turned her head around, as it to appraise me. She gave me a sly smile and then turned back around. After a few silent steps, and another plop from the donkey, I heard her magical voice, while we all kept marching toward the ridge. I could have walked forever, listening to her.

“Brother bought a coconut. He bought it for a dime. His sister had another one, she paid it for a lime,” she sang.

“HE PUT THE LIME IN THE COCONUT,” I belted out. I close my eyes when I sing like that, so I walked right into the donkey that had stopped walking. I opened my eyes to see the Commander with her hands raised in the air. I stepped out from behind the donkey and saw several armed border guards pointing their guns at us.

“Stick to the plan,” the Commander whispered. I saw confused looks on the faces of the guards and realized they didn’t understand her.

“We don’t speak Spanish, and if you’re trying to get into America, neither should you.” The donkey let loose a wailing hee-haw to interrupt the guard. “You’ll need to do a ton of paper-”

“HEE HAW!” the donkey interrupted again.

“We can’t just let anyone into this great count-”

“HEEeeeeeeeeeee,” the donkey wheezed. The guard was growing flustered.



“Door’s that way.” The guard waved his gun to his left along the large wall.”

“Gracias.” I said. The only Spanish I spoke. I didn’t know what it meant, but I noticed it used to end conversations. It would do. When we were out of earshot, the Commander burst into laughter.

“I told you it would work!” She jumped off the donkey and gave me a hug. I enjoyed the hug, but then I saw the line.

“We’re not in yet,” I said. I pointed.

“Alright, fuck it. No more trying to keep a low profile. We got the lime juice, seeds and soil for more, and we got a cool four legged friend that knows how to follow orders. We can fly to the ship and get it back in the air before they can scramble a response. They can’t even follow us out of orbit. Grab your end of the donkey, we did promise he could come with us.”

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