In a world where jokes can cast spells, you’re the most powerful wizard by only using puns. [Link to post.]
“This guy *says* his magic is powerful. Have any of us ever *heard* it in action?” Vollo asked the Comedy Council. He petitioned to get my jokebook taken away, and here he was presenting his case like a buffoon. The god damned pro. The crowd mumbled amongst themselves, some snickering, and several, “i wanna do it!”s. Finally one of the members stepped forward, with a squeak.
“Yeah. He presented the closing ceremonies at your graduation ceremony.” The small crowd made a show of holding back their laughter. Oh, they fell for it. Damnit. They actually thought they had him. I could have beaten Vollo to the punchline, but that’s poor form. It would only weaken my case.
“Oh, right. I wasn’t there. I was out *making the ladies giggle* if you know what I mean.” He said smugly, and the council immediately went stonefaced. I didn’t have to beat him at all. If he paid attention during school he’d know that misogynistic humor like that was falling out of style fast. Now I could step in fairly.
“I think you mean you were making the ladies *uncomfortable*, at best. Yikes.” I visibly shuddered for effect, and the council warmed to me.
“My time is just important as everyone else’s. Except you council guys. You guys are way more important, so I’ll speed things up.” They chuckled, but that was good enough. I just wanted to keep them warmed up. “I think Vollo’s specific complaint is that he’s never seen my punmanship. Is that right, Vollo?” I played fair and gave him an opening.
“Exactly. Punmanship is a backbone of our art, and I say he can’t do them. Like, not that he can do much of anything to begin with, amirite?” He grinned like an idiot. Too little too late, and in too poor taste. I gotcha now.
“That’ll do, Vollo. Council members I’ll be brief. Short and plain. Punmancy isn’t even permitted in conversation because of how powerful it is. Puns are powerful, primal magics. He just wants to know if he’s more or less powerful than I am. Don’t give him that satisfaction. His stage name is close enough to *yolo* to earn some spite points.” Vollo stepped toward me while the council debated.
“This isn’t over. I’ll prove you can’t pun worth a bun.” He whispered harshly. He already knew he lost. A council member squeaked forward and looked at me.
“While we do not wish to give Vollo the satisfaction, the fact remains that as council members we are obligated to seriously investigate any claims. Please, give us a demonstration. Any, basic, weak pun you’ve got. Please prove that you understand the fundamentals.” Oh. I guess Vollo did win after all.
“Esteemed members of the council. I apologize. The truth is I can’t pun worth a bun.” I hung my head. My puns could rip the world in two, I decided it would be best if they think I can’t pun at all. They chuckled.
“Good enough. We’ll be on our way,” He said.
“What?” I said. Their approval took me by surprise.
“WHAT?!” Vollo too, it seemed. “That’s not a pun! That’s barely wordplay! That’s just a rhyme that *I* came up with, like 10 seconds ago!” He whined. The council members kept walking and he followed them pleading his semantics. I smiled and chuckled to myself, then went about my business.