Four Horsemen of Apathy (1-2-18)

The Four Horsemen have arrived to start the Apocalypse. Their names are Kramer, George, Elain,
and Jerry [Link to post.]
“COME ON! I need to get this apocalypse over with so I can meet up with Putty later,” Elaine said.
She sat on Jerry’s couch talking to Jerry. George wandered out of the restroom and wandered toward
the kitchen.

“You do know how apocalypses work, right?” Jerry asked Elaine. “Anyway, we can get started as soon
as Mr. Famine shows up.

“I *know* how apocalypses work, I marked him for protection. As long as he doesn’t pick at it, he’ll
be fine,” Elaine paused, then shrugged. “Yeah, I guess there’s no hurry, that idiot is going to pick at it.”
“Probably,” George said. He sat next to Elaine holding a soda. “You should have put it somewhere he
couldn’t reach, that’s what you should’ve done.” Kramer rushed through the door. {audience cheer}
Elaine, George, and Jerry stood up.

“Finally!” Elaine exclaimed.

“Whoa, hey. Can we put this off?” Kramer asked as he approached the group.

“What? Why? We’ve been planning this for months.” Jerry asked.

“I’m behind on my protection list. My buddy Bob Sacamano asked me to look out for his family.”

“His FAMILY?” George turned and asked. His voice pitched. “You get two protections, that’s it!
You can’t have a list! If you get more than two, then I get more than two. How many do you have?”
Kramer did some mental calculations.

“53 done, but I got one more to go,” Kramer said.

“53??” The three asked.

“You know, I don’t think they were all actually family members,” Kramer said.

“Oh, you think?”  George said, exasperated.

“Why? What two did you pick?” Kramer asked George.

“No one.” George used a finger to push his glasses up.

“No one? Not even your parents?” Jerry asked.

“Please,” he said with a slight tilt of the head.

“Yeah, alright,” Jerry said. Then a knock at the door distracted him. He opened it to find Newman.

“Hello, Newman.”

“Hello, Jerry. Is Kramer here? He said something about protection,” Newman said. He began to step
through the door when he spotted Kramer.

“Oh, I don’t think so.” Jerry placed a hand on Newman’s shoulder. He collapsed, dead. George and
Elaine burst into laughter. Kramer rushed over to the corpse.

“Jerry! C’mon, don’t be like that. Bring him back.”

“What for? We don’t need him,” George said.

“And we don’t want him,” Jerry added.

“He’s my friend!” Kramer cradled Newman’s head in his lap.

“YOU HAVE 53 OTHER FRIENDS!” George yelled.

“Jerry, c’mon!” Kramer ignored George.


“Alright, alright. Everyone calm down,” Jerry said. He kicked Newman in the stomach. Newman gasped
heavily, and looked around the room.

“What happened??”

“You died a little bit, buddy. But you’re okay now.” Kramer said. He winked at Newman. A knock on the
open door drew their attention. Putty stood there with a bloody arm.

“You picked at it??” Elaine said. She walked over Newman to meet Putty at the door.

“Yeah that’s right. It was itching, so I scratched it.” Putty said. He stared at Kramer helping Newman up
off the floor. “What happened to him?”

“He died a little bit.” Kramer grunted with a woozy Newman back on his feet. “But he came back,” Kramer
said. He was having trouble supporting Newman’s weight, and the big man seemed unable to find his balance.
The postal worker’s bulky body squished Kramer against the door frame.

“Awesome. High five.” Putty held his hand up in front of Newman. Newman swung and missed, putting even
more pressure on Kramer.

“Jerry.” Kramer squeaked out. Jerry touched Newman, and he collapsed again. Kramer took a deep breath.


“I suppose now you want me to bring him back again?” Jerry asked.

“Yeah, in a little bit. Let me catch my breath,” Kramer said. Elaine walked out from behind Putty.

“There. Now you can’t reach it,” she said.

“Thanks, that’s a good idea.” Putty walked over to sit down on the couch next to George.

“It was my idea.” George turned and said to Putty.

“It was a good idea. High five.” Putty held his hand up. George glanced up at the hand, then at Putty.

“No. Thanks.” George stood up to face Jerry. “Can we get started?”

“How does this apocalypse stuff work anyway?” Putty asked. He was shuffling in the couch, rubbing his back against it.
Elaine walked over and smacked him on the back of the head.

“Stop scratching,” she said.

“Well we just combine our energies and let loose. Most people will die immediately, everyone locally for sure. The few
survivors of that will be stuck with plague and famine. Thanks to your girlfriend, they’ll go to war over the few scraps
they have left and wipe each other out. Everyone except the few we protected,” Jerry said. His explanation was followed
by a snort from George.

“Heh, *few*.” He used air quotes for effect, then nodded over at Kramer.

“I’m ready, bring Newman back.” Kramer said.

“I’m not sure I want to anymore. George is right, you’ve protected too many people,” Jerry said.

“Yeah, I don’t even want to do this anymore. Can we go get some food?” Elaine turned to ask putty. He stood up from
the couch and met her by the door.

“What?” George said. “NO. We have to do it today!”

“I’m already bored,” Jerry added. He kicked Newman in the stomach again. Newman gasped and stood up.

“Jerry! What about my parents?” George pleaded.

“Fine, if you want I’ll go pay them a visit.”

“No! Not like that,” George said. “It HAS to be the apocalypse. My conscience won’t let me get rid of them that way.
The end of the world is one thing, but that? That’s murder.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Jerry turned his attention to Elaine. “Where you guys going?”

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