[WP] “You’ve been selected for this because you’re the most boring person we could find.” [Link to post.]
Harold Stanford walked through the cereal aisle of his local grocer. It was a quiet morning for him, so far. Things tended to get exciting around him pretty fast, so he enjoyed the slow start to his day. He stopped his cart against one side to debate whether he wanted a chocolaty breakfast or one with marshmallows. He stared at the boxes on the shelf through his reading glasses; they rested low on his nose.
“Mr. Stanford?” He heard a male’s voice behind him. He turned to see a pair of men in black suits, wearing sunglasses. One of them was shorter than Harold who was only 5’5″ himself. The other was taller than Harold by a large margin, possibly up to a foot difference.
“Yes?” Harold knew whatever they wanted, his morning was about to kick in. He was used to it.
“Your country is calling you to action,” the short man said. Harold nodded.
“I’m ready.” Harold smiled. The two men paused to look at each other.
“Really?” Shorty asked. “You mean you don’t have questions or anything?” Harold shook his head.
“Nah, I’m used to it. I’m sure you guys will tell me what’s important, let’s get going.” Harold faced the front of the store and took a step forward. The tall man placed a hand on Harold’s shoulder. He turned around to see the tall man reaching inside his coat pocket.
“Something’s off,” Shorty said. The tall one handed the short one a phone. A woman’s scream distracted all three of them. The sound came from the other end of the aisle, and they all turned to look. A woman stood in front of them sobbing, holding her hands in the air. In front of her two men pointed shot guns at the woman, the two men in suits, and Harold. Harold sighed.
“I’ll be right back guys.” Harold charged at the men, lunging himself in front of the scared woman. The sudden movement made the armed men nervous. They tried firing, but Harold kept moving. He zigged and zagged until he appeared in front of them, then he used a blur of martial arts moves to disarm them. Harold left the two gunmen unconscious on the ground and security moved in to detain them. He walked back to the men in suits. The tall one smiled and nodded at him while the short one finished up his conversation on the phone.
“Are you sure? I don’t want this coming back to bite me in the ass later, that little punk always avoids punishment,” the short man sounded annoyed. “Yeah, alright. Just make sure you annotate the file.” He hung up the phone and and looked at his tall partner. They shared a quick conversation that only consisted of awkward looks, then the tall one nodded.
“I’m sorry to have bothered you Mr. Stanford. There’s been a mix-up, and you’re not the person we’re looking for,” the short one said.
“What do you mean?” Harold asked, genuinely surprised. He used his arms to gesture toward the end of the aisle. “I took out those guys no problem. I have to be the guy you’re looking for, I get it all the time. You have no idea how many times I’ve saved the world.” The short one nodded. The tall one reached into his coat.
“We know, you’ve done some great things. But you’re just not suited for this particular mission. We need the most boring man in the world,” shorty said. He eyed Harold up and down. “You’re obviously the wrong person. It’s what we get for letting the laziest man in the world pick the candidates.” The tall man handed Harold a brown box of chocolate cereal and a five dollar bill.
“Your country thanks you for your service. Have a good day, Mr. Stanford.”