Zero Hero

You’re a normal villager in a fantasy town and the main hero has just moved in next door after completing his quest. [Link to post.]

“We’re going to take him this tray of pastries, welcome him to the town, and thank him for saving the world. We’re going to be *neighborly*.” My wife’s tone cautioned me against making any more disagreeable comments. Sure, the guy killed an evil sorcerer hell bent on conquering and/or destroying the world; he was never really clear on what his goal was. Yeah he saved the world, but he was just so smug about it. We walked next door and my wife knocked while I held the tray of bread. My wife’s introduction began the moment his blond hair appeared at the door.

“Hi! We’re from next door. We wanted to come by and welcome you to the town.” At this point her elbow encouraged me to step forward to show off the tray sweets.

“Thank you! Please come in.” He opened the door wider, then stood aside. My wife walked in and I followed behind her with the tray.

His home was a lot like ours when we first bought it. Fairly spartan with a bed on one side of large common room. The kitchen and dinner table on the other side, along with a small door leading somewhere.

“First we absolutely have to thank you, you know, for saving the world,” my wife said. I knew she was just being personable, but it still made me smile to see her trying.

“It was easy, besides, I live on this planet too!” he laughed, and my wife giggled along with him. “Besides, I’m the chosen one. The only one that could have defeated Bellamy,” I stood up and my wife squeezed my hand. I turned to her and smiled. It was just coincidence that I stood up when he said that.

“May I use your restroom?” I asked him. He nodded and his thumb pointed over his shoulder at the small door by the kitchen. I took my time in the restroom. I hoped my wife would be satisfied with the short visit.

While I adjusted my tunic I accidentally knocked over a flowerpot from its perch on the window sill. It spilled money onto the floor when it shattered.

“That’s a weird place to keep money,” I mused. I cleaned up the mess and picked up the money, then walked back into the common room. He jumped slightly when I approached, taking a couple of steps back away from my wife. I met her eyes and saw a familiar twinkle. I loved that twinkle, it meant she was going to let loose soon.

“The handsome hero here was just telling me about how Bellamy wasn’t even the strongest sorcerer he’s killed,” my wife said. Handsome? Whatever happened while I was in the restroom, she was over him. We’d be out of here soon, so I took the opportunity to give him the money.

“Hey, sorry. I accidentally knocked over the flowerpot in your restroom. This money fell out, and here’s some extra to replace the flowerpot.” I handed him the money.  He laughed at me.

“What a chicken! You were going to steal from me, but then you heard I beat two powerful wizards and you chicken right out. Alright, I won’t give you a hard time about it this time, beause I’m a good guy. But don’t steal from me again.” He said while he grabbed the money from me. He made a point of looking at me while he counted through it. Twice.

“Wow, projecting much?” I asked with a laugh. My wife smiled at me. “So then who’s the other powerful wizard?” I grabbed my wife’s hand and tried moving toward the door. She refused to move with me.

“Bellamy’s teacher, Ballisea. I took her out years ago, I didn’t know she had an understudy. So, now I’ve saved the world twice!” he said.

“Oh.” That was all I could say.  “C’mon love, let’s leave him to his pastries.” I pulled at my wife’s hand again, and she still refused to move. I gave up. “Alright, well I’m going to head home, catch up when you’ve had your fun,” I said. I kissed her on the forehead and she winked at me.

“Oh, hey. An understanding husband! That’s what I like to see,” the hero said. He stepped closer to my wife and put his arm around her. “She’ll have lots of fun, I promise.” I nodded at him and walked to the door.

“Oh wow, I’m sorry. I never realized how rude we were being, we didn’t even introduce ourselves. I’m Allister, used to be an adventurer like you until I met my wife. Ballisea.” His head whipped around to her and she smiled at him.

“But Ballisea is dead!” He said, panicked. He ran towards his gear, but never reached it. A brittle bone hand reached out of a black hole on the floor and grabbed his ankle to trip him.

“She was dead until you grabbed her ass, then completely disrespected the love of her life. Go on home, dear. I’ll catch up.”

“Finally!” I said. Happy to go home, I opened the door. I turned to give one final message before I left.  Two skeletons were holding the hero down execution style.

“Don’t forget to get my money back.”

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