Villainous Hobby

“Geez. Here we go again,” DarkBlack rolled his eyes as he sat down on the park bench. He raised and extended his cuffed hands for balance until he felt the cool metal beneath him.

“I was just thinking the same thing,” General Stronguy said. He placed a heavy hand on DarkBlack’s shoulder. “Why are we doing it over and over? Every other week for 30 years you’ve been causing trouble. I catch you and send you to jail. Then two weeks later you escape and I catch you again. Then again and again and again. Can’t you find something better to do with your time?” the General asked without hiding his condescension. DarkBlack sighed.

‘Look, I wasn’t ready for a lecture this time. Can you just take me to jail? I promise we’ll talk about it next time,” he asked the green-caped hero with stars on his shoulders.

“Why does there have to be a next time?!” General Stronguy asked. He sat down next to DarkBlack but kept his eyes on the lean villain. “You’re not even a proper villain. You don’t kill people, you barely do any property damage,” the General shrugged. “It’s like you only cause enough panic to get my attention and a free ride to jail.” DarkBlack nodded.

“Right. Can I get that ride now?” the hero shook his head.

“Not until I get an answer.”

“I’ll leave!” DarkBlack stood up from the bench and took a step forward. “Better get me to jail.” the General shrugged and sat back.

“Go ahead, I’m done,” he crossed his muscular arms. “I’m not coming out for you next time either.” DarkBlack took another step, but the hero did not twitch a muscle. DarkBlack hung his head and groaned out a heavy, frustrated sigh.

“I wasn’t ready!” he growled to himself. He looked at the General who remained seated with a relaxed, detached posture and a “gotcha” smirk on his face.

“Screw it, I’m tired of farming anyway. If I break you…,” he shrugged at the general. “…oh well, right?” DarkBlack locked eyes with General Stronguy then slowly raised his arms until the hero looked at the dampening cuffs on his wrists. Seemingly without effort DarkBlack pulled his hands apart. The cuffs disintegrated into white powder that vanished before it hit the ground. The General’s eyes widened but he did not make any moves to stop DarkBlack.

“You know, you sound like my mom,” he said. “Can’t you find something better to do with your time?” he repeated the General’s statement from earlier. “You’re always playing video games,” he added. “I’ve got news for her and you. I LIKE video games. I have fun playing video games. It’s my life and as long as I deal with my responsibilities,” he rolled his eyes again. “Which I do, thank you very much.  I can use my free time doing what makes me happy.” General Stronguy tilted his head.

“What are you-” he tried to asked DarkBlack, but the villain kept talking.

YOU are a video game,” DarkBlack said. “You’re not real. Actually,” he thought for a second. “You’re probably real, but not really a superhero. Just some Zero that was cast in the part.”

“Oh, wow. You’re insane. I think this time we’ll go to the asylum.” DarkBlack burst into laughter.

“YES! Perfect. See, this isn’t the first time we’ve had this conversation. After doing the quest enough times you start remembering and getting glitchy.”

“Uhuh,” General Stronguy said as he stood from the bench.

“Usually I keep count. I have a mod that can fix you pretty easily, but it’s annoying to carry around so I only bring it when I think you’re starting to glitch.”

“Don’t worry DarkBlack. I’ll take care of you,” the General said as he lifted the short man into his arms; then he flew into the air. DarkBlack kept talking.

“But once I’m in the police station the quest resets, then I can bring it next time.”

“But I’m taking you to the asylum. Will that still reset the quest?” General Stronguy asked to humor him.

“Probably not, but you’re taking me to jail. You can’t take me anywhere else, you’re not scripted for it.”  The General laughed as he descended through the clouds.

“Of course you have an answer for every-..” The General stopped laughing the moment his feet touched the concrete sidewalk in front of the police station.

“Thanks, General!” DarkBlack hopped out of the General’s arms and dashed to the front door. General Stronguy appeared in front of him with watery eyes.

“Help me, please.”

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