Hellish Staff

I’ve had better ideas,” Robert thought to himself. The 29-year-old English teacher started to worry a bit too late. The situation started to sink in as he looked around the office waiting for Satan. ‘Office’ was a loose term; it looked like the interior of a black cave. The impossibly dark floors made him feel like he was walking on shadows. A few tasteful portraits hung on the dark walls. One was of a giant, imposing red man in a dark suit. Thick, obsidian steer horns jutted out of each side of his head. The same demon was also in another portrait with a trio of humans. “That’s definitely Satan,” Robert’s nerves started to flutter in his stomach.

Robert jumped in his seat when the office door opened. He expected to see the devil coming through the door towering over him. Instead, a short red-skinned woman with a bright orange faux-hawk walked in. She wore a dark suit with a short skirt instead of slacks. A pair of thin twisting, onyx horns sprouted out of her head; they reminded Robert of impala horns.

“You’re a brave one,” she said with a smile as she crossed the room. “I like that,” she stopped by his chair to extend a hand. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Guzman. I’m Satan.”

“You!?” Robert stood to greet her. He was not a tall man at 5’7″, but he couldn’t help but notice how short she was as he shook her child-like hand. The tips of her horns were taller than him, but her head-height only reached to about his chin. “I thought.., I mean,” Robert disengaged the handshake and pointed at the portrait. “Who’s he?” Satan smiled and walked around the obsidian slab that resembled a desk.

“He’s retired. ‘Satan’ is a title for the ruler of Hell, currently, me. Now that I’m in charge, I’ve got some changes planned. Which is why I’m in search of an assistant. Why are you here, Robert?” she asked.

“Uh,  I found a portal, and curiosity got the best of me. Once I was on the other side some random demon ran up to me asking me if I was here to apply. Then-,”  Satan shook her head.

“Robert,” she interrupted him. “I’m Satan, I know how you got here. I want to know why you let yourself end up sitting in my office.” Robert shrugged but remained silent for several seconds.

“It seemed like an adventure, I guess,” he finally answered.

“Perfect,” Satan grinned. “The bad news is, you aren’t remotely qualified for the job. A) You’re not a demon and B) You don’t know enough about how the universe works. The good news is, I do have a job you are qualified for, if you want to take it.”

“Uhuh,” Satan’s petite size made it easier for Robert to feel at ease enough to get sarcastic with her. “What job is that? Being tortured?” he asked. Satan burst out laughing, and somehow it made Robert more comfortable. It sounded like genuine laughter. It wasn’t obnoxious or sarcastic. Despite himself, he was starting to like Satan.

“I suppose you could say that; but, it’s torture you’re already familiar with. I happen to know of a high school desperate to fill its staff. Robert narrowed his eyes.

“You want me to teach for you?” he asked. Satan shook her head. “What, like telling them that Hell is a great place and so on?” Satan shook her head.

“Of course not, we don’t need you to do propaganda for us. It’s a special school for Unique Souls; think of it as a school for heroes. It was founded with my predecessor’s permission. If you accept the job, you’ll keep an eye on things and report directly to me.”

“So you want me to spy?” Robert asked. Satan surprised him with an eyeroll.

“Why are you pushing to make everything so negative?” she asked. “It’s not spying as much as we have the right to know what’s going on. You’re not doing anything covert. Just teach; and, if you think something needs my attention, tell me.”

“What’s the pay look like?” Satan smiled and winked at him.

“You’d be working for Hell. Anything you need or want is yours. Interested?” she asked. Robert thought quietly for a moment, then nodded.

“Yeah, why not?” he said. “I’ve had worse ideas.”

Hellish Candidate

“This is your last chance to back out,” the giant-red-skinned man said. He stood between a group of three college kids and an enormous obsidian gate that dwarfed the 10-foot tall demon. “There is no going back after this.”

“Wait,.. but that’s just for Julie, right? I’m just here for the ride,” a young man with a light brown beard asked. He was holding hands with the third one of the group; a lean, dark-haired man. The tall demon looked down at him.

“Yes, Arthur,” he said with an exaggerated eye-roll. All three kids chuckled at his playfulness. “You and Eric can go off and neck or whatever it is kids do on your Earth if you get bored watching her kill people.”

Daaaad..,” Eric whined at the devil with a raised eyebrow; he lifted his hand to show their intertwined fingers. Satan flinched out of embarrassment then cleared his throat. “

“Right! No, sorry,” he shook his head. “They’re not people, they’re Zeros. Julie’s going to kill-,”

*AHEM* Eric cleared his throat. The devil shrugged and gave up.

“Forget it; the point is Julie’s the only one in any real danger. You guys can quit or join her any time.” He looked down at Julie. The short girl with a bright orange faux hawk was less than half his height; she stared up at him with a defiant smile.

“Start cleaning out your desk, old man,” she said playfully. “I’ll be back for your job real soon.” The devil grinned.

“Don’t worry too much it if you’re not. You cut to the front of a long line; there are more and better candidates after you.” Her smile turned into an annoyed scowl.

“I’m ready,” she said. Satan dropped a pitch-black dagger; it buried itself in the ground in front of Julie. It was as large as a claymore compared to her petite frame.

“Whooooaaa.” Arthur and Julie marveled at the sword. The weapon looked like a shadow trapped in a blade. The outer edges gleamed like steel in Hell’s red sunlight but the interior was an impenetrable black. The hilt was made from the same black material wrapped with red leather. Julie grabbed the handle with both hands; it immediately shrunk to a size that was easier for her to manage. She waved the black bowie-knife around to get used to the weight.

“You must get the kill-,” Satan glanced at Arthur, then back to Julie. “You must eliminate all your Zeros with this weapon. If you make even one mistake, you fail. Eric can show you how to use it.” Julie looked up at Satan. She stabbed the air in front of her several times.

“I think I got the hang of it,” she said. Satan shook his head. “Eric can show you how to use it once you get going. For now…,” the devil stepped out of the way to let them see the black gate. There was a young woman that looked exactly like Julie strapped to the bottom of the bars. “…get going. There’s your first Zero.” Julie sprinted across the short distance to charge at the bound girl.

“By the way,” Satan said offhandedly. Julie did not slow down to listen; she was on her way to ruling Hell. She plunged the shadow knife into the girl’s chest. “It’s going to hurt,” the devil finished his warning.  Julie screamed in pain. Her voice matched her victim’s and overtook it once the Zero slumped forward in silence. Julie let go of the dagger and fell to her knees. She hunched forward holding her head and screaming at the ground.

After almost a minute of nonstop screaming and writhing her voice began to quiet. It happened slowly at first; then all at once. Julie sat up on her knees and looked around.

“Whooooaaa…” she said and stood up from the ground. She walked toward the three men.

“Whoooaaaa…” Arthur repeated. He was surprised that her smooth pale skin was now slightly red. She had two black baby horns growing out of the top of her head. He pointed at her, then excitedly patted the top of his head with both hands while laughing. Julie reached up and her eyes went wide when she touched the horns; she giggled.

“What did it feel like?” Arthur asked.

“What color are these?” she asked and pointed to her head.

“Black,” he said. “Like portal black.”

“Okay, touch one,” she grabbed his hand and brought it to one of her stubby horns.

“Hey, it’s not smooth,” he said. “It feels like…,” he rubbed his finger up and down one of them. “…like it has spirals or something. Like a screw.” Julie nodded.

“Yep, that’s what it felt like; they were screwed out from the inside.”

“One down, several thousand to go,” Satan said. He pointed to the gate; it was open now. The woman’s corpse was in the process of being dragged away by a three-headed dog. The black dagger lay on the ground in front of the gate. “Step through the gate to find the next you.”

Hellish Offer

“Looks like I win,” Satan winked at the young woman in front of h”Very well come with me.”

“Yes!” Julie cheered and gave Satan a high-five. Her other two friends, Eric and Arthur both grumbled at the loss.

“Wait!” Arthur interrupted. “How did you win?” Satan turned around; his tall black horns scratched the low stone ceiling. He smiled at Arthur.

“You set a win condition for your team…,” he gestured at Arthur and Eric. “…and a lose condition for mine,” the red giant patted Julie on the shoulder. “If you didn’t win, you lost. If we didn’t lose, we won.” He looked at Julie, then back to Arthur. “If you don’t want to watch what happens to her I can arrange someone to take you and Eric shopping. You can come back when it’s your turn.”

“No thanks,” Arthur said. He stepped forward and grabbed Julie’s hand. “She’s not leaving my sight.”

Arthur,” Julie whined with a whisper. “Don’t be rude,” she said.

“It’s okay, Julie,” Satan said. He turned again and walked toward the office door. “Arthur just needs time to come around,” he said over his shoulder as he led the three friends out of the office. Satan led them through a narrow maze of similar looking office doors. Each door had a small window next to it and Arthur peered inside each room as they walked by. The rooms appeared to be cramped cubicles; each occupied by a person in a suit sitting at a desk in front of a computer screen.

“Are they keeping score? You talked about that earlier. And you said something about rules too,” Arthur asked. The devil stopped in his tracks and turned around to face the trio. They were huddled together in the narrow hall with Julie between Eric and Arthur. Satan smiled at all three of them.

“Only Hell’s employees get that information,” he said. Eric cleared his throat and pointed upward. “And some of the MiddleMen too,” Satan grumbled.

“Who’re the MiddleMen?” Julie asked. She did not have as much concern as Arthur, but the name piqued her interest.

“Okay, one thing at a time,” Satan held his hands up in front of him in a “whoa” gesture. He pointed at Julie.

“Our team won the coin-toss so you get the first pick. That was just to pick out your Unique Soul, but I have a better offer.” He stepped forward and wrapped his arm around Eric.

“My boy’s gonna take over and he needs reliable support. How would you two like to be demons?” he asked with a large grin. “You still get to choose first,” he said to Julie.

“No way!” Arthur responded first and took a step back. He tried pulling Julie back with him, but she did not move.

“Can we still be Uniques?” Julie asked. Satan nodded.

“Not only that, but you’ll get all the answers,” Satan said.

“You’re not gonna like them,” Eric added with a somber tone.

Hellish Service

“This is a special case,” Satan said. He nodded through the tinted glass window at the room on the other side. Two very different people sat on a red couch in warm, welcoming living room. Sunlight poured into the room through the windows. A short, waif-like girl with dark hair cuddled next to an older woman with salt and pepper hair. They watched a cartoon that Arthur did not recognize. This was the last stop on the tour before Satan turned him, and his best friend Julie, into Unique Souls. He assumed everything he didn’t recognize was from an alternate universe.

“A few lives before they hit the Celestial tier…,” Satan began to explain to his son Eric and his friends. “They started asking about each other. It’s kind of weird, but you get used to weird in this job,” Satan chuckled. “They asked if there was an upper-limit on points,” Satan looked at his son. “There is, but we’re not supposed to tell them that.” He brought a red finger to his lips and winked at the three friends. “So they kept going back down then asking for each other after they died. They used so many lifetimes they earned enough points to get all the perks. We couldn’t send them down anymore so the only option was to bring them together to find out what they wanted.” Satan shrugged.

“They want to be born as Unique twins. Both of them want, and have enough points, to become Sols. We have no idea how to do that.”

“Wow… so they’re just waiting until you figure it out?” Julie asked.

“Yes,” Satan nodded. “But, they don’t know they’re waiting.” He nodded through the glass. The inviting living room became a white padded cell. Instead of the girl and woman, two teenage boys were now seated, unconscious, against opposite walls. Julie watched one of them stir. He lifted his head as he came-to and looked around the padded room. Fear washed across his face until she noticed the other boy. The first boy scrambled to his knees then scurried across the floor toward the other kid. As he reached the other wall a door opened in the padding and a nurse dressed in red walked into the room.

“The nurse is going to tell them they were in an accident and after some more tests, they’re free to go home. We can’t send them to Earth anymore but we can keep them distracted here until we know how to give them what they want.”

“Wow,” Arthur said. “I never thought Hell would go out of its way to help someone.” Satan smiled at Arthur.

“This is your first time here, right?”

“As far as I know.” Arthur shrugged and nodded.

“It’s a bad habit to judge things based on other people’s opinions,” Satan said with a smirk. “Who’s to say they know any better than you?”

“Why can’t they both be born? I more or less get what a Unique Soul is, but I don’t see how being twins makes a difference?”

“Twin Uniques isn’t a big deal, we’ve done that before. The problem is both of them want to be Sols. We can only do twins if they’re different Uniques.” Satan shook his head, “Aside from that rules say one Sol per universe.”

“Rules? What rules? Whose rules?” Arthur asked. Satan laughed and shook his head. Then, he turned to lead them out of the room.

“All games have rules,” he said.